benevolent

I was supposed  to write something since my first blog post should be like totally amazing and yet i couldn’t think of something i wanted to share. So i prefer to write some kinda weird but it totally hurts me when i write something in mind that i couldn’t express it. This was 2014 when i had that kind of skepticism to my loving boyfriend THAT is always happen when we have this big messy problem that came. Well it’s norma! When you don’t face something challenging you won’t say if it is worthy or to let go’. when you had your wrangled conversation and you don’t even know how you will handle it.When you’re too compassionate to something. Well i just love him so much so you will do everything, you will gave up something, you will have to choose not to have an option.. And here it goes, when you can only talk is a piece of paper and a pen.13094203_618525478331501_9142447147995897064_n

“Maybe we will meet again when we are better for each other”
No, that line is such fucking bullshit
I loved you with every inch of my fucked up heart and you couldn’t love me back
I was in recovery
I still am and I will be for the rest of my life
if it is three years from now and you see me on the street
Don’t come up to me in the hope that you could rekindle the fire you started in my bones
You left me when I needed you
Ignored me when i make a sense on you
Yelling at me for a lil bit mistakes
Left words unsaid without any reasons
When I was crying for you on the bathroom floor till 4am
And no matter how much time passes
You will never be enough for me
And there are times i did my best
I would never be enough for you
You will never aid my recovery
You will only hinder it
And so I’m sorry for
I have to let you go
Please know this isn’t temporary
This is real
I gave you what I had left
I’m tired
Tired of being fool and foolish
Tired being a human
I know it wasn’t much
But you spat it back at me anyway
Please don’t have the audacity to think that time will erase that, we will never be enough for each other, we will never be better for each other
you were a lesson,
But I confused you for a soulmate-Ellis Jane Edwards

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We are told to love people unconditionally, but sometimes we must get rid of people unconditionally. Some toxic people just keep slithering and oozing in through the cracks in your resolve; they refuse to respect your boundaries. No more mixed messages. You must learn how to close a door permanently. Cut and cauterize. Monstrous sociopath-like disengagement is your right. Your life is worth more. Don’t waste another minute. Let them say you are awful. Block, ban, delete and disconnect. Compassion? Have some for yourself! Do what you must do to take care of yourself and don’t you dare ever feel guilty. ― Bryant McGill

But you know what? that kind of feelin’ you’re facing a big mess and it feels like you’re totally crap and giving up?  But, I see myself how tough i am when it comes to our relationships. And it is worthy. We won. I won!  Where i can be as Me and he is HE. And that, commitment goes on.

 

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